January 12, 2009
I can't help to smile while reading this.... its been a while...
I am in state of dilemma. For I thought I already know my capacity in handling conflict situations. I do actually, except for one thing that I cant handle very well… which I’m still “gaga” when it comes to it.
I was not shaken when I am being laid-off in our project. I gave it to the Lord, for I hold on His words, I hold on his promises. I know that He has plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). So I didn’t mind if I was one of those whom affected by what we so called “global crisis”, I didnt mind if I have so many dues to pay, cause I know all God’s works are good with those who love Him, those whom he has called according to his purpose (Roman 8:28). I know God will provide.
Well, that is ok. But prior to that, I did something against God’s will. I broke somebody’s heart. And now I’m starting to break mine. I thought I already surrender ALL to the Lord. But I still did silly things. The guilt is within me because I know its wrong, I shouldn’t.. but I did. Its true that the more you want to be obedient in God’s law, the more you are prone to commit sin. I remember the Romans 7:15 says: “I do not understand what I do, for I dont do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.” It is manifesting now on me. The evil is chasing me by using my heart, for that is the part I cant handle properly. Its like I’m playing a tug-of-war, but my opponent is no other than but myself too. The guilt is more because I know it will not please God if I do it, if I will choose to proceed for my own sake of happiness… if I can call it “happiness”.
Its quite funny because that sin is still just a temptation . Its quite funny because its only I, who is confused, bothered and struggled. I am ahead of the problem which is about to arise.
I want to lift it up to the Lord… so help me God.
I am in state of dilemma. For I thought I already know my capacity in handling conflict situations. I do actually, except for one thing that I cant handle very well… which I’m still “gaga” when it comes to it.
I was not shaken when I am being laid-off in our project. I gave it to the Lord, for I hold on His words, I hold on his promises. I know that He has plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). So I didn’t mind if I was one of those whom affected by what we so called “global crisis”, I didnt mind if I have so many dues to pay, cause I know all God’s works are good with those who love Him, those whom he has called according to his purpose (Roman 8:28). I know God will provide.
Well, that is ok. But prior to that, I did something against God’s will. I broke somebody’s heart. And now I’m starting to break mine. I thought I already surrender ALL to the Lord. But I still did silly things. The guilt is within me because I know its wrong, I shouldn’t.. but I did. Its true that the more you want to be obedient in God’s law, the more you are prone to commit sin. I remember the Romans 7:15 says: “I do not understand what I do, for I dont do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.” It is manifesting now on me. The evil is chasing me by using my heart, for that is the part I cant handle properly. Its like I’m playing a tug-of-war, but my opponent is no other than but myself too. The guilt is more because I know it will not please God if I do it, if I will choose to proceed for my own sake of happiness… if I can call it “happiness”.
Its quite funny because that sin is still just a temptation . Its quite funny because its only I, who is confused, bothered and struggled. I am ahead of the problem which is about to arise.
I want to lift it up to the Lord… so help me God.
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